


the broken ribs poked our lungs

by sergeantrogers



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Modern AU, Mutual Pining, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining Bucky Barnes, Pining Steve Rogers, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-World War II Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers Gets Amnesia, Steve and Bucky Are Endgame, Steve and Sharon Are Engaged, but grew out of it, but it wont be a big plot point in the fic, he can still get sick tho, he used to be pre-serum, just mentions here and there
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-19
Updated: 2019-01-19
Packaged: 2019-10-12 13:16:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17468297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sergeantrogers/pseuds/sergeantrogers
Summary: It is one in the afternoon when Bucky gets the call.The butterfly effect is the theory that one small change, one small thing, can result in a bigger change, later. It is called the butterfly effect because of the notorious example of a butterfly flapping his wings, which will later cause a tornado. This call, at one in the afternoon, is the butterfly flapping his wings in Bucky’s life.It changes everything.OR: Steve is engaged to Sharon. Bucky has been convincing himself since college that he isn't in love with his best friend. Steve then proceeds to fall and hit his head, resulting in amnesia. He doesn't remember his fiancée, and thinks he's engaged to Bucky.





	the broken ribs poked our lungs

**Author's Note:**

> hello peeps!  
> before heading into this, you should know that i am very sorry about how sharon turned out. i like her very much and i didn't want her to be a bitch in this story, but she turned out a bitch. i'm sorry, sharon. forgive me.  
> steve and sharon ARE engaged, but it will change. our boys are totally endgame, no worries.  
> i hope you like it!
> 
> UPDATE: this is on hiatus for i don't know how long. i'm working a lot this summer, and between my job, the gym and my personal relationship, i've been having trouble writing. i am still thinking about this story and i am still in the process of writing part two, so it will come eventually. sorry about that, peeps.

It is one in the afternoon when Bucky gets the call.

The butterfly effect is the theory that one small change, one small thing, can result in a bigger change, later. It is called the butterfly effect because of the notorious example of a butterfly flapping his wings, which will later cause a tornado. This call, at one in the afternoon, is the butterfly flapping his wings in Bucky’s life.

It changes everything.

-

It was Wednesday – Bucky’s day off during the week. He usually ran his errands on Wednesdays. He did his laundry, made sure to wash his sheets because he tended to forget, separated whites from the rest, not big on making the mistake of putting a red sock in his white clothes again. He cleaned his apartment, from his bedroom to the kitchen to the bathroom. His ma had taught him that a clean home resulted in a clear head. Keeping things neat and clean in his home meant he felt relaxed and well in his mind. On Wednesdays, he went through bills, put some money aside for the future, for a vacation, for emergencies. After all that was done, he would have lunch and then, he’d go to the grocery store.

Which is where he is. He’s picking some cereals, not sure whether he wants Frosties or Sugar Puffs, when he gets the call.

‘’Hey, Nat,’’ he says, putting the Sugar Puffs in his cart. Bucky’s known for his sweet tooth, sue him.

‘’Are you busy?’’ she asks, her tone serious and concerned.

‘’I’m at the grocery store. Why? Is everything okay?’’

Nat never calls, not unless it’s important. If she calls at one in the afternoon on a Wednesday, it must be important.

‘’It’s about Steve. Something happened.’’

-

Bucky Barnes has spent his life worrying about one Steve Rogers.

 They met when they were seven and have been inseparable ever since. They went through high school together: Steve was there when Bucky got braces and whined about the pain. Bucky was there when Steve met his first love, Peggy Carter, a classy, doesn’t take no bullshit British girl who was here with her father. She saw through Steve, saw how righteous, angry and kind he was, saw so much more than his illnesses and his small frame. Bucky was both glad and jealous. Steve was there when Bucky came out as bisexual and Steve and his mom, along with Bucky’s own family, threw him a little Pride supper with pink, purple and blue as a theme. Steve lost his virginity to Peggy Carter and then told Bucky all about it later. Bucky finally got rid of his braces and started dating asshole Brock Rumlow because he asked him out and there isn’t anyone else to date, so he said yes. Bucky lost his virginity to Brock Rumlow, regretted it, told Steve about it later and cried.

They went through college together: Bucky was there when Steve and Peggy Carter broke up when she went back to England with her father, both agreeing that they had grown out of their relationship, that they were more like friends now. Steve still cried a lot after she left, though. They still call each other every week on Skype. Bucky finally broke up with Brock Rumlow after a year of being unhappy with him and Steve threw a party with their friends to celebrate. Steve came out as bisexual and briefly dated Sam Wilson before they both agreed they were better off as friends. The passing of Steve’s mom, which destroyed both boys. Steve moved in with Bucky after a lot of fights about Steve living alone. Steve met his now fiancée Sharon in their last year of college, which had ensued an awkward conversation with Peggy when Steve had realised, she and Sharon were cousins.

Through all those years, Bucky has spent every second worrying about Steve. Steve who was so small and fragile, even though he would never admit it. Steve and his so many sicknesses and the many nights of worry and prayers to whoever might be listening to _please, let him survive the night_. Steve and his bad tendency to pick fights with people twice his size, Steve and his big golden heart who didn’t like bullies, Steve who would protect everyone and anyone even if it meant it was him who took the punches.

It is Bucky Barnes’ job to worry about one Steve Rogers. Even more so now that Sarah Rogers isn’t here to worry about her golden boy. Even if Steve is now engaged to Sharon Carter and has many other friends to worry about him.

Bucky Barnes has spent his life worrying about one Steve Rogers and will spent the rest of his life worrying about him.

-

Bucky’s breath hitch.

‘’What happened?’’ His voice wobbles. He’s not ashamed of it. His heart is beating fast, the _boomboomboom_ of it resonating in his ears. He wonders if the old lady beside him can hear it. He thinks she probably can. She looks worried for him, like she thinks he’s going to break down right there, in the middle of the grocery store. He might.

‘’He fell and hit his head.‘’ Nat tells him, her own voice steady and calm, even though concerns shines through it.

His heart calms down as relief washes through him. He had been expecting something very bad, something like his childhood, illness creeping in and screwing him over. Hitting his head, they can deal with. Bucky can deal with that. It’ll be okay.

‘’Sharon found him. He didn’t recognise her.’’

A soft _oh_ escapes his lips. He stares right ahead of him, unaware of people passing by him in the alley. Unaware of the strange looks he’s getting as he’s immobile, blocking some of the way. Unaware of Nat’s voice in his ear, explaining stuff he can’t quite hear.

If Steve didn’t recognise Sharon, his fiancée, his girlfriend of three years, will he recognise Nat? Will he recognise Clint? They met them in college. Will he recognise Sam, his best friend aside from Bucky? Will he recognise Tony, Bucky’s boss but most importantly, their friend?

Will he recognise Bucky? If he doesn’t… Bucky would rather not think about that.

Leaving his cart right there, not bothering to do anything with it, Bucky starts walking for the exit. Screw his groceries, he can do that later. Steve comes first. Steve always comes first.

‘’At which hospital is he?’’ he asks, interrupting Nat in whatever she was saying. He’ll ask her later for the information she must have been telling him.

She sighs, knows Bucky hasn’t been listening, but tells him where to go. She sighs again as Bucky tells her he’s on his way and hangs up. When you know Bucky Barnes the way she does, you realise quickly that this man will put everything and anything aside for Steve Rogers, and the latter will do just the same.

-

When Bucky gets to the hospital, Nat and Sharon are both there, waiting outside of Steve’s room. Sharon looks like she’s been crying: her cheeks are still wet, and her eyes, red and puffy. Nat looks as composed as always, but someone who knows her well will notice the tension in her back and her jaw. Sharon stands up as Bucky arrives to them, and he wordlessly opens his arms to her. She steps in, accepts the hug, tension fading away from her shoulders. She stays in Bucky’s arms for a few seconds before she steps back. She looks fragile, her arms around herself.  

‘’How is he?’’ Bucky asks.

‘’The doctors don’t know yet. Since we got here, I haven’t been allowed to see him. When I – when I found him, he didn’t recognise me, and he was distressed by my presence, so…’’ Sharon says, her voice shaky. She steps back, sits down and puts her head in her hands.

Nat puts a hand on her shoulder, then stands up and walks to Bucky.

‘’No one has been allowed to see him. Sharon didn’t say anything to him on the way here. She was scared that it’d be worse for Steve if she told him she’s his fiancée. She didn’t want him to be more distressed than he already was. The doctors ran some tests, we’ll get the results soon.’’

Taking a deep breath, Bucky nods. He knows he can’t do anything for the moment and he tries not to worry too much, but it’s hard not to. Steve is his everything. If he doesn’t remember him, and everything they lived together… Bucky doesn’t know how he’ll get through that. He doesn’t know if he can bear Steve to look at him like he doesn’t mean anything, like they don’t know each other. It would destroy him.

The three of them wait together. They try to chat a little, keep their mind off this whole situation, but they’re not into it. It’s a torture, waiting for time to pass. It feels like time has stopped, and that they’ll be sitting on these uncomfortable hospital chairs forever, breathing this awful smell that can only be described as _that hospital smell_. After half an hour of this silent hell, a doctor comes up to them. He presents himself as Doctor West, informs them he’s in charge of Steve, and Sharon tells him she’s his fiancée, and Bucky is his next of kin.

The doctor tells them that Steve has amnesia. He hasn’t forgotten everything, luckily, but there’s no way to tell if his lost memories will come back. He says that they’re hopeful that they will, but there is no way of saying when exactly. It could take weeks, months, or even years, he tells them. _Be gentle with him_ , he says, _if you see him getting distressed, change subjects. Don’t push him to try and remember. If the memories come back, they’ll come back by themselves._

Half an hour later, they’re finally allowed to see Steve. Bucky feels like he’s losing his mind, not knowing if Steve remembers him or not. He prepares himself for the worst case – Steve watches him enter, and there isn’t a flick of recognition in his eyes. When Bucky asks if Steve knows who he is, Steve says _no. Should I?_  Bucky tells him that they’re lifelong best friends, that they have lived everything together, have been through everything together. Steve says _sorry. I don’t know who you are._

Bucky shakes his head. He must, at least, have a little hope. It’ll be okay. They’re Steve and Bucky. He takes a deep breath in and opens the door. Steve is sitting on his bed, his small frame covered by a blanket. Bucky steps in, trying to hide his shaking hands, and Nat and Sharon follow him.

‘’Bucky!’’ Steve exclaims, and Bucky could cry. Steve remembers him. He remembers him, oh God, Steve _didn’t forget_. ‘’I’m so glad you’re here.’’

‘’Well, you know you can’t go to the hospital without me, pal,’’ Bucky tentatively jokes. Steve chuckles, knows Bucky is right. When Steve goes to the hospital, there’s nothing to do, Bucky will follow him.

Bucky watches as Steve looks at Nat (he smiles when he sees her, says _hey Nat_ , and he hears Nat’s breath hitch. He recognises her too. This is good.) Bucky watches as Steve looks at Sharon, frowns, and looks back to Bucky. He still doesn’t know her. Bucky’s heart breaks for Sharon: he knows how difficult it must be to see her fiancé look at her like she’s nothing more than a stranger.

Bucky sits on the chair next to bed as Nat and Sharon stay closer to the door. He can hear Nat murmur words of comfort to Sharon in the background.

‘’How are you feeling?’’ Bucky asks him softly. He resists the urge to touch Steve’s hair like his ma used to, when he was younger, and in the hospital for the second time in a month.

‘’Well, my head hurts like a bitch,’’ Steve says, chuckling, ‘’but I’ve lived through worse. I’ll be fine.’’

‘’I know you will, pal. You’re too stubborn to let anything be the end of you.’’

‘’Damn right.’’ Steve looks at him, his eyes full of an emotion that Bucky can’t quite place. ‘’It especially won’t be a fall that’ll stop me from attending our wedding.’’

Puzzled, Bucky asks, ‘’our wedding?’’

Swatting him on the arm, Steve laughs and says, ‘’yes, our wedding. Don’t tell me I’m the one to fall and hit my head yet you’re the one who forgets we’re getting married in a month.’’

This isn’t right. Steve and Bucky aren’t getting married: they’re not even in love. Steve and _Sharon_ are getting married in a month. Poor Sharon, who’s started crying again, and left the room. Bucky looks at Nat, mouthing _what the fuck?_  but she doesn’t say anything. She probably is as confused as him and Sharon. She shakes her head, and steps out of the room, probably to go and comfort Sharon, who must be heartbroken.

He’s left alone to deal with this very awkward, very unexpected situation. Bucky tries to remember what the doctor said. _Be gentle with him. Don’t push him._

Faking a smile, Bucky tells him, ‘’you think I can forget my own wedding? I was just testing you, you dumbass.’’

Steve smiles at him. They talk some more, Bucky faking his happiness the whole time. He doesn’t feel okay with this. He _knows_ he can’t tell Steve they’re not engaged, that he’s engaged to Sharon, because he must let Steve remember himself, but it’s not right for him to pretend like he’s to be married with his best friend, while his actual fiancée is just outside the room, crying and in pain. It’s also not right to let Steve think they’re engaged, but what’s done is done, and Bucky is not sure how to bring up the subject. He’s not sure telling Steve _hey you know earlier when you said we were engaged, and I said yeah? Yeah that wasn’t true we’re not engaged._

Finally, it’s time for Bucky to go. The doctor comes back to inform him they’ll let Steve go tomorrow, and that even though the situation is hard and tricky, Steve should stay at Bucky’s for the time being. Bringing him back to an apartment he might not recognise, with a woman he thinks is a stranger, wouldn’t be good for him. _Just for a week or two,_ the doctor says, _and after that, try to ease him back into his real life. Try to put him in situations with his fiancée as much as you possibly can. Hopefully, it’ll trigger the memories of her._

Bucky says goodbye to Nat and Sharon, tells them to be careful and to call him if needed, and heads home. He can’t stand to be around anyone after this fiasco: he needs to be in his space, clear his head, and to get his place ready for Steve. He has to make it look like Steve’s actually living there with him, and make it look like a couple’s home. He’s not planning to pretend at a hundred percent that he and Steve are together, but for a little bit of time, he could at least make his apartment look like it. It’s what Doctor West told him to do. Who is he to against the advice of a doctor, even if it doesn’t feel right?

He takes out some old pictures from high school, and some from when they were still kids, and puts them in the living room. Beside his bed, on the nightstand, he puts his favorite of all. On it, they were ten and eleven. They had gone to Coney Island on a summer day, had eaten too many hotdogs, rode too many rides, and Steve had gotten sick. After that, they rode other rides, played some games. At the end of the day, they were happy. Bucky’s ma had snapped a picture of them when they weren’t aware. Bucky had an arm around Steve’s shoulder, laughing at something he had said, and Steve was looking up at him, his smile wide and happy. Bucky had never noticed before, but on the picture, Steve was looking at him the same way he had in the hospital. He tries not to think too much of it: it’s probably nothing.

Smiling, Bucky rubs his thumb across the picture. He has so many memories with Steve. Eventually, this fiasco will end, and it’ll turn in a joke. They’ll tell each other _hey, remember when you got amnesia and you thought we were getting married? what a wild time!_  As he thinks about it, something twists in Bucky’s stomach, but he ignores it. He finds some boxes that Steve had never brought to his place with Sharon and takes the clothes out to put them in the wardrobe, make it look like he’s living here. He’ll go to Sharon’s tomorrow, before picking up Steve, to take some other stuff. When he’s satisfied that his apartment looks like Steve is living here, Bucky makes himself supper, watches a new TV show on Netflix, and when it’s getting late, he goes to bed. He ignores the pit in his stomach, tells himself it’s all going to be okay, and goes to sleep.

 

-

The next morning, Bucky heads to work. He doesn’t feel up to it, but bills don’t pay themselves, and someone should tell Tony about Steve. Knowing Tony, he’ll probably think that it’s hilarious that Steve thinks he’s getting married to Bucky and they should go along with it. 

Bucky sighs, accepting early his defeat against Tony. When the man gets an idea, he doesn’t let go of it and won’t stop until it’s done. He’ll probably name himself Bucky’s best man (honestly, if Bucky were to ever get married, he would consider Tony to be his best man, but his head would inflate too much. Clint is the safest and better choice), and then he’d organise an entire wedding, just because he can. It wouldn’t matter to him that all this money would go to waste because no wedding would happen. If it seems funny or like a good idea to him, he will do it, no doubt.

Stepping out of the subway, Bucky heads to the Stark Industries building. Even after working here for three years (he had gotten the job straight out of college, a Millennial dream), he’s still impressed by it. It stands so tall and imposing, yet its edges are soft, not too harsh, the look of it sleek. Though, the inside is what Bucky loves most. The inside means you get to be in contact with the AI, Jarvis, always, and that gets to Bucky. He’s a big nerd and the AI is so complex, so well coded, it’s like speaking to an actual person. The first time Bucky had spoken to Jarvis, he had squealed like a little kid in front of the Christmas tree, seeing all the gifts brought by Santa.

Bucky goes through security, chatting with Happy like always, but instead of heading to the 41th floor to his office, he heads to the 50th to Tony’s office. He needs half of the day off to go to Steve and Sharon’s place to pick more clothes up, and after that, he’ll go to the hospital to deliver Steve from his personal hell.

The elevator goes _ding!_ , bringing Bucky out of his head. He steps out of it, walks up to the door of Tony’s office, and knocks. Bucky represses a chuckle when he hears Tony mumble and curse inside, before opening the door. He looks like he spent the entire night, and the night before that awake, which is very likely to be true. Tony has no sense of time, or self care. It’s usually Pepper, the CEO of the company, also his girlfriend, that brings Tony out of his bubble and gets him to sleep and eat. Without her, the man would fall.

‘’Buckaroo, to what do I owe the pleasure of having you visit your good old boss? You never come around here unless you want to annoy me or ask me something, so which is it?’’ Tony asks, stepping aside from the door, silently saying to come in.

‘’As much as I would absolutely love to annoy the hell out of you,’’ Bucky says, taking in the mess that is the office, ‘’I have something to ask. I need half of the day off.’’

Tony frowns at him. ‘’Why do you need half of the day off? You had your free day yesterday.’’

‘’Steve had an accident. He fell, hit his head, ended up with amnesia.’’ Bucky sighs. ‘’He doesn’t remember Sharon and now he thinks we’re… He thinks we’re getting married.’’

Sitting down on the only chair that doesn’t have sheets of paper or questionable stains on it, Bucky stares at Tony, waiting for a reaction. The other man is staring right back at him, his face unreadable. Then, he breaks into a huge smile and laughs.

‘’This is the best thing I’ve heard all week, this is unbelievable,’’ he says, clapping his hands. ‘’You’re finally gonna get your head out of your ass and realise you’re in love with him!’’

Bucky glares at him, unimpressed. ‘’I’m not in love with him, and he’s not in love with me.’’

Tony smirks, a gleam Bucky has learned to be wary of in his eyes, ‘’then why the hell does he think you two are getting married?’’

-

Truth is, Bucky has asked himself, when he realised dudes did it for him too, if he had feelings for Steve. He had concluded that no, he didn’t, Steve was only his best friend.

It didn’t matter if no one else could make him smile or laugh the way Steve did. It didn’t matter if Bucky felt at his best only when he was with Steve, warm and happy, in their own little world. It didn’t matter if looking at Steve made him feel all kinds of ways, or that he wanted to know the feeling of holding Steve’s hand, or play with his hair, or kiss him.

Steve was straight. Bucky couldn’t feel those things, so he had repressed his growing feelings for his best friend. It was the smartest thing to do.

Then Brock Rumlow had asked him out, and even though being with him had sucked, it did put Steve out of his mind. Until Steve had to come out as bisexual too.

It had brought all his bottled feelings to the surface, and Bucky had had to deal with them as he watched Steve date Sam, happy and carefree, but after a month and a half, they had broken up. Bucky had thought that maybe, just maybe, he could have a chance at telling Steve how he felt, and when he had worked up the courage to tell him, one night, Steve had come home with pink cheeks, and the news that he’d met a girl. _She’s amazing, Buck. I think… I think I can go far with her_ , Steve had said.

That night, Bucky had promised himself to never, _never_ , let himself be in love with Steve Rogers again.

-

‘’No, Tony. Don’t do that.’’ Bucky says, rigid. ‘’It’s unfair.’’

Tony watches him carefully, reads his face, and he must see what Bucky is thinking, because his face softens. Tony Stark doesn’t let himself be soft often, and Bucky hates that right now, he is, because of him.

‘’So, you _are_ in love with him,’’ Tony says. ‘’I was right!’’

‘’No, you’re not. My feelings for him died three years ago, when he met Sharon. I promised myself I wouldn’t love him again.’’

‘’That’s really emo, Bucky.’’ Tony says. He sits on the edge of his desk, in front of Bucky. He sighs. ‘’But I think… I think there’s a reason why Steve thought he was getting married with you. You might now want to hear it, Bucky, but I really believe that. Don’t close yourself up too fast, you might end up regretting it. Now get out of here, I have no time to be emotional today, thank you very much.’’

‘’Thanks, Tony.’’ Bucky tells him before leaving.

As he walks to his office to work until noon, he thinks about what Tony said. It is true that he should ask himself why, exactly, Steve thinks they’re getting married, but going there, thinking too much about that, would bring up bad memories and feelings Bucky doesn’t want to relive. There must be another explanation. Maybe it’s because Bucky is the person Steve is the closest to, besides Sharon, and he has known him for the longest.

 _Yes_ , Bucky tells himself. _That makes sense_.

Satisfied with himself for finding a satisfactory explanation, he sets himself to work and forgets this entire fiasco until the clock strikes noon, telling him he must go and face this cruel situation the universe has given him.

-

It’s a quarter before one before Bucky arrives to Sharon’s apartment. He’s still in his work clothes, his short hair styled, and he has brought with him her favorite coffee and pastries. He knows it’s not much, but if it can lift her spirits a little, it’s better than nothing.

‘’Hey, Bucky.’’ She welcomes him. She looks exhausted, like she spent the entire night awake and crying. She’s in her pajamas, her blond hair up in a messy bun, and there are bags under her eyes.

‘’Hi, Sharon. I brought you coffee and pastries,’’ Bucky says, holding up the cup and the bag, smiling.

Her face lights up as she reaches for the cup and her eyes close as she takes an appreciative sip of the warm drink. ‘’Thank you so much, Bucky. I really needed that. We can eat in the kitchen.’’

She takes out some plates, setting them on the counter. They sit on the stools and eat quietly. Bucky doesn’t know what to say to her. He likes Sharon enough, he thinks she’s kind and funny and a good match for Steve, but he’s never felt at total ease with her. He’s usually not alone with her: he sees her when Steve is there.  It’s even harder with all that is going on right now, and he doesn’t think telling her _I’m sorry your fiancé forgot you and thinks he’s getting married to me, his lifelong best friend who had feelings for him in the past_ would help her.

He settles for a simple ‘’I’m sorry.’’

She sighs, putting stray hairs behind her ear. ‘’It’s not your fault, Bucky. It sucks, yes. It hurts like hell to know he doesn’t remember me, but there’s nothing I can do. The only thing I can do is wait and hope that he’ll… that he’ll remember me.’’ Her voice breaks as she speaks, the hand holding her pastry shaking.

‘’It’s gonna be okay,’’ he tells her. ‘’We have to believe that.’’

Sharon offers him a weak smile. ‘’Yeah, I guess.’’ She stares at her plate for a minute, thinking about how to formulate what she wants to say. ‘’I had something to ask.’’

‘’Yes?’’

She looks at him. Her expression is cold, closed off. ‘’Don’t pretend. Don’t pretend with him that you’re engaged. Don’t kiss him, don’t hold him, don’t do anything. He’s engaged to me, Bucky. Not to you. Remember that.’’

Bucky swallows. The way Sharon spoke to him, it’s almost like she knows that years ago, Bucky was head over heels in love with Steve. She probably thinks Bucky will fall in love again with him.

It won’t happen. Bucky made a promise to himself he intends to keep.

He looks back at her and nods. The silence between them is heavy and uncomfortable.

‘’Hum, I already put some clothes aside for you to bring. I put it in a bag with his toothbrush and other stuff.’’ Sharon tells him, breaking the excruciating silence.

‘’Thank you, Sharon.’’ Bucky feels uncomfortable and he has nothing else to say, and very much wants to go. ‘’Hum, I guess I’ll get out of your hair. Thanks again,’’ he says.

‘’Thanks, Bucky. Take care of him, yeah?’’ He can hear _but not too much_ in her words.

‘’Yeah, of course.’’

Bucky Barnes could never not take care of Steve Rogers. At this point, it’s in his DNA.

‘’Of course, I’ll take care of him,’’ he says.

-

At four, Bucky has put Steve’s stuff in his apartment, has gone to the hospital to pick up his pretend fiancé, and now he’s back to his place, totally not ready to start a game of god knows how long pretend with Steve. He had thought about what Sharon told him, about not pretending and not doing anything, but Bucky figures that acting like that will make Steve ask questions and probably stress him out. He won’t do much: he set rules to follow so Steve won’t ask too many questions and won’t make Bucky feel like he’s in a relationship. He’s not exactly comfortable with the idea of pretending to be Steve’s fiancé: he knows it’s not right for Sharon to act like he’s in a committed relationship with _her_ fiancé. She asked him not to, after all, but Steve comes first, and Bucky thinks this is what he has to do.

He has decided that he wouldn’t tell Steve they aren’t engaged. Bucky won’t kiss Steve, no matter how awkward it gets when Steve asks question after Bucky says no and skips him again and again. He’ll accept kisses on the cheeks, hugs and hand holding, but nothing more. Steve will ask questions, but Bucky will find answers good enough to satisfy him.

At least, that’s what he hopes for.

-

Bucky was wrong. He was very, very wrong. Finding a good reason is not _that_ easy.

It’s been three hours since Steve has been back from the hospital, and Bucky knows he’s in deep trouble. He already has trouble keeping up with the pretending thing, doesn’t know how to be in a relationship with Steve, even if it’s fake. He always waits a second too long to say I love you back and he knows Steve noticed, but he still hasn’t asked questions.

The only good thing is that Steve hasn’t mentioned the supposed engagement yet, or recalled memories that don’t exist, like the first time they would have said I love you or made love. It is better that way, because Bucky is worried these memories would be the ones with Sharon, but Steve’s mind would have replaced her with Bucky. The longer Bucky is in the same room as Steve, the harder it gets, and the more complicated it seems.

And it’s only been three hours.

Fortunately, Bucky found a way for them to be in the same room (Steve won’t stop following him everywhere in the goddamn apartment, except the bathroom), and be silent, so he won’t put a foot in his mouth. Thank god for technology and thank god for Netflix.

Bucky sits in the couch, makes himself comfortable and motions for Steve to sit down too. He sits right next to Bucky, a little too close for his comfort. Their thighs and arms are touching. Bucky represses a shiver. _Do not let yourself be in love with Steve Rogers_ , his college self reminds him.

He chooses Netflix and starts going through their movies, trying to find one that they both haven’t seen, or one that they both like.

‘’Really, Buck?’’ Steve asks. Bucky can hear the smirk in his voice. ‘’Netflix?’’

‘’What’s wrong with Netflix?’’ Bucky says, genuinely confused.

The first thing Bucky registers is that Steve is straddling his lap. He looks down at him, smirking, his eyes heavy lidded. Bucky gulps.

‘’First night I’m back, and you’re already trying to Netflix and chill?’’ he says, sliding his hand on the back of Bucky’s neck. He’s leaning towards him.

Bucky is extremely uncomfortable. He’s frozen in place; his eyes are wide as he stares at Steve. This is wrong. Sharon told him not to do anything and this is in the _don’t do_ rules.

But the feeling of Steve sitting in his lap like this, his hand on his neck and the way he’s looking at Bucky… He has dreamed of this for so long, back in college or high school, this is the dream of past Bucky.

But it’s wrong. Steve has _amnesia_ , for god’s sake, and he is engaged to Sharon. It doesn’t matter how much past Bucky has dreamed of this moment: Steve is not in the right mind to really consent to this, and present Bucky doesn’t want this. Not like this.

He pushes Steve aside, careful not to hurt him, and stands up.

‘’We can’t,’’ Bucky says. Steve frowns, hurt flashing briefly in his eyes.

‘’Why not?’’ he asks, crossing his arms.

‘’Because…’’ _think quick bucky, think quick_. ‘’Because I have a cold.’’

Steve stares at him for so long that Bucky shifts uncomfortably. He feels like Steve can see right through him, through this awful lie, and can see the truth. Just as Bucky is about to say something, Steve speaks.

‘’I know what you look like when you’re sick,’’ he says, standing up. ‘’And you forget that I know when you’re lying.’’

Bucky can only watch as Steve goes to what was his bedroom when they lived together, dumbfounded. His best friend is obviously mad at him and with good reasons, but it still hurts when he’s in a fight with him. They have had a lot: they’re both stubborn, very opiniated men. They used to fight all the time when they were kids, but none of them had lasted long. With time, Bucky and Steve started to fight less, but that was mostly due to maturity and to Bucky learning to stay calm and not lose his temper, something Steve can’t do. It’s practically impossible for Steve to not lose his temper. He reminds Bucky of an angry chihuahua.

The thought makes Bucky chuckles, then sigh. He rubs a hand at his eyes, goes to brush his teeth and do his nightly pee, before going to bed. It’s quite early, only a little after 9 pm, but Bucky has had quite the day. He needs a good night to be well rested tomorrow for his last day of the week at work, and he’ll ask Nat and Clint to hang out with him and Steve, and Sharon also. They should see her as much as possible, to help Steve’s memories come back… if they ever do.

-

The next morning, Steve seems alright. He doesn’t say anything about the night before, except one comment about Bucky’s lie, _how’s your cold this morning?_ to which Bucky doesn’t answer. He knows that Steve knows he lied, and feeding into it, and into Steve passive-aggressive attitude won’t do any good. He chats about non-important things with Steve as he makes them breakfast before any of them head to work. He tells Steve he’s planning on invite Nat, Clint and Sharon over for the night, and it’s awkward when Steve asks him who’s Sharon. Bucky tells him she’s a very close friend of theirs and changes the subject by asking if he wants Sam to come. Steve says yes.

Bucky feels sad for Sharon: Steve seems to remember everybody, except for her. It must feel awful to be the one engaged to him and be the one he doesn’t remember. He can only hope that seeing her often will trigger Steve’s memories and that everything will get back to normal soon. In the mean time, both men have work. Memories can wait for the night.

-

It’s eight o’clock when everyone is reunited at Bucky’s apartment. There’s booze, snacks, and board games. It’s a tradition of theirs to have at least one game night a month, where they get drunk, catch up and let go for one night. It’s only fitting that the game night of the month is right after Steve’s accident, allowing them to refresh his memory about it, their friendship and the tradition.

Everything is going quite well. Even though Tony couldn’t make it, as he had an important date with Pepper, everyone is having fun and laughing, even when it was very uncomfortable when Sharon had arrived, and Steve had still not recognised her. It had been even more uncomfortable for Bucky to hear Steve say to Sharon _you must be Sharon. Bucky told me we’re close friends_ and then see Sharon fake smile and agree, only to glare at Bucky the second after.

It’s almost ten o’clock and Bucky has been able to stay away from Sharon for the two past hours. He’s talked mostly to Nat and Sam, updating them on Steve’s situation and catching up with what’s going on in their lives. Nat is thinking of asking Clint to officially move in with her as he’s always at her place; Sam has met someone new, a man named Riley. They’re chatting and trying to get Sam to give them details about his new special someone and failing miserably when they get distracted by Steve.

‘’Would you _stop it_? I’ve asked you many times to fucking stop!’’ Steve yells at Sharon, who looks like she wants to melt on the floor. There are tears in her eyes.

Bucky gives his beer to Sam, quickly stepping in. ‘’Steve, what’s going on?’’

Steve’s face is red, his hands forming fists.

‘’What’s going on,’’ Steve says, his voice cold, ‘’is that _she_ has been flirting with me for the past half hour, even though I’ve told her numerous times to stop it because I’m not interested and _engaged_.’’

‘’Oh,’’ Bucky says stupidly. Sharon still looks like she wants to disappear, and she’s started crying a little.

‘’She needs to learn consent,’’ Steve spits. ‘’No fucking means no.’’

By now, Sharon is openly crying. Clint is looking everywhere but at them, Nat has her _I disapprove_ look on her face, and Sam is taking Steve to the bathroom to try and calm him down.

Bucky sighs. So much for a fun night with friends. He takes a box of tissues on the table and brings them to Sharon as he sits down next to her.

‘’I’m sorry,’’ he tells her. ‘’I honestly had no idea he’d react like this. I thought… I thought that seeing you would help him. I’m sorry.’’

‘’I just wanted to try to make him remember me,’’ she says, holding back a sob. ‘’It’s too hard to see him look at me like I’m a stranger. I hate it. I hate it _so much_.’’

‘’I’m sorry,’’ Bucky says again. ‘’I know how hard it must be.’’

She looks at him, a flash of anger and disdain in her eyes. ‘’No, you don’t. You have no idea what it’s like to have the person closest to you look at you like you mean nothing to them! You have no idea what it’s like to lose Steve!’’

Bucky stands up, looking down at her. ‘’I have known Steve my entire life,’’ he says very calmly. ‘’I grew up with him. I went through everything with him. I watched him get sick again and again, I spent nights with him in the hospital, I’ve prayed more times than I can count for him not to die. I know exactly what it’s like to lose Steve. I’ve come too close to it too many times.’’

Rubbing a hand against his face, Bucky sighs. ‘’Now I want you to leave. Steve is already angry enough, and I have no energy to fight with you. Go home, Sharon.’’

‘’Fine,’’ she spits. She takes her coat and purse and leaves, making sure the door slams loudly.

Bucky sits down on the couch. He lets his head bump against the wall and closes his eyes, wishing the night would end. He feels someone sitting down next to him. He opens one eye and sees Nat.

‘’Where’s Clint?’’ he asks.

‘’He went to see Sam and Steve.’’ She pauses for a few seconds. ‘’You love him, don’t you?’’

‘’I don’t. I used to, but I haven’t loved him like that since college.’’

‘’I think you’re lying to yourself,’’ she tells him softly.

Bucky opens his eyes and looks at her. She smiles, her entire demeanor soft, which isn’t the usual with Nat. She only gets soft with the people close to her when they’re vulnerable or at their lowest.

He sighs, looking down at his hands. ‘’I know. I thought that… I thought that if I pretended really hard not to love him, and really persuaded myself of it, maybe it would be true.’’

‘’It hasn’t worked, has it?’’

‘’No,’’ Bucky murmurs. ‘’Loving Steve Rogers kind of ruins you for anybody else.’’ He looks up at Nat, his eyes sad and tired. ‘’I don’t know what to do.’’

-

After Steve had met Sharon, Bucky had given up. Had told himself not to love Steve Rogers anymore and to find someone else.

He had tried. He had tried so hard. He had dated a very nice girl named Dorothy, but she had broken up after three months. _Your heart is somewhere else, s_ he had said.

He had moved on to briefly date Wade Wilson, but both men knew from the beginning they were both in love with someone else. After a month, Wade had told his best friend, Peter Parker, that he was in love with him. It was reciprocated. Bucky wasn’t sad when he and Wade broke up. At least one of them had found what they were yearning for.

He had dated Maria Hill for a year, had really thought he loved her. But one day she had come home and told him _I can’t keep doing this. You’re in love with Steve, not with me. I deserve someone who will love me just as much as I love them._ Bucky hadn’t even been mad. He knew she was right.

And he knew he deserved the same.

He stopped dating. He focused on work, on his friendships, and on forgetting the fact that he was in love with Steve.

He had succeeded until Steve fell, hit his head, and thought that the two of them were engaged.

-

Now he’s stuck having to pretend he doesn’t have feelings for his best friend while lying to him, while pretending they’re engaged, even if it makes Bucky feels sick to the stomach. Now he’s stuck with Steve’s actual fiancée angry at him, hurt, taking it out on him. Now he’s stuck in the most uncomfortable position he’s ever been in.

‘’You need to tell him the truth,’’ Nat tells him. ‘’Tell him the truth about the engagement and about your feelings.’’

‘’I’m scared, Nat,’’ Bucky murmurs. ‘’I’m scared he’ll hate me if I tell him. I lied to him, let him think we were engaged. I thought it was the right thing to do because Doctor West told me to do that, but… But I know it’s not okay. And I’m scared he’ll hate me – ‘’

‘’Stop right now, James. Steve could never hate you. He’ll understand that you tried your best and that you wanted to protect him. Honestly, this entire situation is Doctor West’s fault. He gave you some very bad advice.’’

‘’I know you’re right,’’ Bucky says, ‘’but I still feel bad.’’

‘’What do you feel bad about?’’ Steve asks. Bucky hadn’t noticed him come into the room, followed by Sam and Clint.

‘’Hum, about Sharon. She felt bad.’’ Bucky lies.

Steve nods. ‘’I should apologize to her. It’s not okay that she kept pushing herself on me, but I overreacted.’’

‘’Wow, you really hit your head hard, huh?’’ Clint jokes tentatively. ‘’Steve Rogers apologizing, that’s a first.’’

They all chuckle. A silence falls.

‘’That’s not true,’’ Bucky says, breaking the silence. ‘’I once saw him apologize to a cookie he dropped in his glass of milk.’’

‘’I saw him apologize to a table he bumped into,’’ Sam adds.

‘’Or to his umbrella when it broke,’’ Clint says.

‘’Alright, I get it, I get it,’’ Steve says, laughing. ‘’I’m bad at apologizing to people, but not to objects.’’

They laugh and talk some more, and when it’s almost midnight, Sam, Nat and Clint say their goodbyes. While they put on their coat, Steve gets close to Bucky, putting an arm around Bucky’s waist and laying his head on his shoulder. Bucky’s heartbeat quickens, but he doesn’t move out of the embrace. He’ll tell Steve the truth after their friends leave, and this was in the _it’s okay_ rules, and it’s not so different from what they’re usually like. They’ve always been touchy and affectionate.

Before their friends head out, Nat turns her head and smiles at Bucky. He smiles back.

-

‘’Well, I’m beat,’’ Steve says. ‘’I think I’m gonna go to bed.’’

‘’Oh, already?’’ Bucky asks. He wanted to talk to Steve, but it could also wait for the next morning…

‘’Yeah, sorry babe. They need me at work tomorrow, so I need some sleep.’’

‘’It sucks when you work Saturdays,’’ Bucky says. The talk could wait for Sunday…

‘’I know, I’m sorry. I’ll sleep in my old bedroom, so I don’t wake you tomorrow morning,’’ Steve says. He gives Bucky a quick kiss on the lips and leaves for the bedroom.

Bucky can only watch him go, stunned. Did Steve just kiss him, only if it was only for a second?

He can feel a smile creeping on his lips, but he restrains it. Steve is still engaged to another woman. His body ignores it and he can feel a blush on his cheeks.

He’s so fucked.

-

Bucky doesn’t see Steve on Saturday. Steve left before 9am, and after work, went out with Sam for their weekly dinner date. When Steve came back, it was a little after 10 pm. Bucky was tired and had already went to bed.

-

Bucky sees Steve on Sunday morning. They both have nothing planned for the day, so Bucky promises himself he’ll tell Steve the truth. He feels nervous and is scared that Steve will get mad at him, but he hopes Steve will understand that Bucky only wanted to protect and help him and was following the (very bad) advice from a doctor. He hopes their friendship won’t be ruined by Bucky’s feelings.

But before Bucky can do any of that, he needs food. He sets out to make breakfast for the two of them. He prepares eggs (scrambled for Steve, sunny side up for Bucky), toasts and bacon. He also takes some yogurt and puts granola in it, along with some fruit. He fills two glasses with orange juice. Once he’s done, he looks at the table, satisfied with himself. He knows it’s a big breakfast, but the two of them have always eaten a lot. Bucky has stopped wondering how Steve can put that much food in his small body.

‘’It smells good,’’ Steve says. Bucky yelps: he didn’t hear Steve come in.

‘’Thanks,’’ he says. ‘’I hope you’re hungry because I made a lot.’’

‘’That’s perfect, I feel like I haven’t eaten in three days.’’

They eat silently for a few minutes. It’s a good thing that Steve is hungry, because Bucky is so nervous that he has trouble eating. He does his best to get food in his stomach, but he feels like every bite he takes just rolls in his mouth.

‘’I was wondering,’’ Steve says as Bucky looks up, alarmed. He hopes Steve won’t speak of the supposed engagement. ‘’I was wondering if Sharon always flirts with me like she did yesterday?’’

Relieved, Bucky lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in. ‘’I don’t know, I never paid attention, to be honest.’’

Steve doesn’t say anything. Bucky watches him as he plays with the food in his plate, waiting for him to say something.

‘’I just thought it was weird, you know?’’ Steve finally says. ‘’You said she’s a close friend of ours, so she had to know about our engagement, right?’’

‘’Hum, yeah. Right.’’ Bucky says. He can feel his body become rigid and he hears his heartbeat in his ears.

‘’So why did she flirt with me, then? It’s not okay.’’

‘’I know, Steve, but I have no idea why she did that.’’

Steve hums but doesn’t say anything else. They finish eating breakfast and Bucky takes their plates, set on washing them now. He knows that if he waits to wash them, he’ll forget and end up with a bigger pile in the evening. He puts the plates in the sink and reaches for the soap when he hears Steve coming up behind him. He stops moving, waiting to see what Steve is going to do.

‘’You’re not really possessive, are you?’’ Steve asks, his voice low, almost a murmur.

Bucky can feel Steve’s body just behind him, his hands settling on his waist. Bucky doesn’t move. He feels like a deer caught in headlights.

‘’That’s okay,’’ Steve says as he turns Bucky around, ‘’because I am.’’

Before Bucky can register that this is happening, Steve’s lips are on his. Steve’s entire body is pressed against his, one of his hands moving up to his neck, the other staying on his waist. He kisses him slowly, taking his time, as if he wants to make Bucky melt under his touch. Steve gently bites Bucky’s lower lip and Bucky is horrified to hear a moan come out of himself. Steve presses against him harder, his kiss becoming more passionate. He pulls on Bucky’s hair and –

‘’Wait, wait!’’ Bucky says, noticing his hands on Steve’s waist.

‘’What’s wrong?’’ Steve asks, frowning.

Bucky drops his hands from Steve’s waist and looks down. ‘’We – we can’t.’’

‘’What?’’

‘’This isn’t okay,’’ Bucky whispers.

Steve steps back. Bucky misses the feeling of Steve against him and wishes he didn’t.

‘’What do you mean, _this isn’t okay_? I don’t understand, Buck.’’ He’s staring right at Bucky, confused. ‘’You’ve been acting weird ever since I came back from the hospital. You don’t mention the engagement, you reject me with a lie when I try to have sex with you, you don’t even get jealous when Sharon flirts with me, I… What’s _wrong_?’’

Bucky lets out a shaky breath. ‘’We’re not engaged, Steve.’’ He hates how his voice quivers.

He looks up at Steve. ‘’We’re not engaged, and we’ve never been. When you hit your head, it resulted in amnesia. You, hum, you forgot Sharon.’’

Steve is still staring at Bucky, but his face has hardened. Bucky wants to disappear. He’s never been at the receiving end of that look and he fucking hates it.

When Steve doesn’t say anything, Bucky keeps talking.

‘’You met Sharon when we got out of college. You’ve been together for three years now. You’re engaged to her. But when you hit your head, somehow, you thought you were engaged to me, and you couldn’t recognize Sharon. The doctor said that telling you that this woman, who you thought was a stranger, was your fiancée would only distress you. He basically told me to go along with our fake engagement until you remembered her.

I didn’t want to. I felt sick and I knew it wasn’t right, and Sharon was clearly not okay with it, but I thought I had to, you know? The doctor said it was best for you, so I listened. But I didn’t feel comfortable with it. That’s why I rejected you the other night. That’s why I stopped the kiss. I was planning on telling you Friday night, but you went to bed, and then I didn’t see you yesterday, but I swear I was going to tell you today, no matter what. I’m so sorry, Steve, I feel awful and I know you must be angry, but I swear I was only trying to do what was best. I know it wasn’t what you needed, and I’m so sorry.’’

Steve doesn’t say anything. The silence is uncomfortable and a torture to Bucky, but he knows he can’t do much more now. He can only wait and hope for the best.

After a few excruciating minutes, Steve finally speaks.

‘’I understand. What you did isn’t right, but I know you, and I know your heart was in the right place. I’m gonna need some time, though, to get over this. I don’t know how I’m feeling right now.’’

‘’Of course, I understand, you take the time you need,’’ Bucky says, relieved.

‘’I’m gonna go to Sam’s, but before I go, I need to know something.’’

‘’Anything,’’ Bucky swears.

Steve looks at him like he’s searching for something on Bucky’s face. ‘’Why did you kiss me back?’’

Bucky feels like the ground is opening under his feet. Stupidly, he had hoped he wouldn’t need to tell Steve the truth.

But he knows he should tell him. Even if it hurts. Even if it ends badly.

‘’I kissed you back,’’ he starts, his voice weak, ‘’because I’ve been in love with you since high school.’’

Steve slowly nods, his eyes watering. He gestures vaguely at his old bedroom. ‘’Okay, I’ll, uh, get my things ready. Hum, thanks for telling me. I’m sorry. I’m gonna go to Sam’s now.’’

Bucky waits until Steve leaves before he starts crying.

-

He takes his phone and searches in his contacts for Nat’s number. He calls her, hopes she’ll answer.

After four rings, Bucky hears ‘’Hello?’’

Taking a deep breath, Bucky says, ‘’Nat? I fucked up.’’

**Author's Note:**

> lmao please don't hate me?  
> comments are appreciated, or you can find me on tumblr under the charming username of captameriac. feel free to come talk to me!  
> part 2 will be up soon, i hope. my semester starts next week so i'll try to get some writing done ahead.


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